I have lived and I have died. Sometimes I can remember some details about my existence but most of the time they are like shadows in a fog. So, where do I start my tale?
It would seem that 5 million years ago I was a member of the crew of a ship that spanned the universe. We were like tourists going from marvel to marvel enjoying the pleasures of existence. We did not know death. We could choose to occupy a body to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh or to exist as energy, free of all physical needs.
It was a wonderful existence but not everybody was happy. We were getting bored, a flaw in our character. It would seem that not matter how large the universe was, a time would come when we had experienced everything more than once and we craved new experiences. After a time, there would seem that there is nothing to look forward to because there is nothing new.
Then, on my watch, something new happened. I was overcome with wonder and drove the ship nearer so my brothers could enjoy this new experience. There was a rainbow of crystals flying at high speed trough space. We had never seen anything like it.
In my haste to enjoy the new experience I got too near to the crystals and we saw that they were souls frozen as ice crystals and that they were heading towards a planet. Curious about this strange happenstance, determined to free those souls, we landed on the planet and discovered something that was even more marvelous than the physical aspect of what we saw; the souls had no memory. They had forgotten what and who they were.
Their memories a blank they did not recognized anything, everything was new to them. To move around they were tied to physical bodies and their reality was limited to what they could see and touch. On the planet they existed as animals without an inkling of the things they could do.
Seeing this, my brothers though that they had found an answer to their horrible boredom. They could forget everything and start all over again and so desperate were they to find a new taste to existence that they did not perceive the danger in what they did. They decided to imitate the state of those souls and hide their memories in their minds so they would be like a blank slate again. They though that they could experience everything again as if they had not experienced them before, discover the universe all over again.
Since I would have none of it, they though I could stay as a guardian to recover them if the experiment failed. They never imagined that they would resist my attempts to awaken them from the nightmare they had chosen for their existence and so were trapped in the planet were we now live, without an idea of the wonders that were left behind.
Me… well, the fault was mine. I felt responsible for their fate so I could not join them nor could I leave them behind. I had to find a way to get them back. That is what defines my existence, or at least it did because I am not too sure anymore.
I have been many things since then. I have seen myself as a man like lizard, waiting in the passage ways of a great space ship for death at the hands of my enemy who had discovered who I was. I remember dying in the bowels of a building I tried to infiltrate trough the air conditioning ducts. Falling to a slow death trough a down passage I did not know existed until then. I saw myself fall of a giant skyscraper, falling to the ground hidden in the fog.
I died as a warrior trapped by my enemy, tied by my feet to a wooden base that swung on ropes. My executor stood in front of me with a great sword in his hands, ready to strike and the only thing I could do to defend myself was try to swing the base like a hammock in the hope of making him miss.
I saw myself as a Templar, betrayed by my church; fighting to get to the man who condemned me, only to die at his feet.
Once, a mentally disturbed Viet Nam veteran approached me and asked if I remembered when we flew together in a frozen land and I felt myself flying an old plane in some artic waste. Taking off my goggles so I could see where I wanted to land. Feeling the pain as my eye balls felt the cold and started to freeze. I did not die then. I managed to land my plane but remember falling somewhere and freezing to death. It was a weird experience because I don’t remember ever remembering anything in such a way. But there is more to my story than the lives that I have lived.
I wanted my brothers back. To live an empty life in a mud ball… when we had the universe to play in… made no sense to me. So I had to find a way to awaken their memory and to convince them that we could find a way to forget in a controlled way so that those who wanted to do so could live their life without fear of the misery they found in this planet.
At the beginning I took bodies and tried to be a teacher, but they refused to learn. The fear of immortality was too big in them. They seemed to want long lives but in the end they sought death so they could start all over again. Because of this the civilizations they developed were always destroyed in wars or cataclysms that they created in their unconscious need to die and forget.
So, if I could not get them to learn voluntarily, I though that, maybe, I could force knowledge upon them. Then I decided to play God. I waited until the end of the last civilization. The survivors, there are always survivors, would go back to a state of savagery and ignorance. When they did I started to make my presence felt as an almighty God.
Since they forgot what and who they were, they would not believe or accept the things we could do as conscious beings. The power to do those things is now called faith but when we were who we were, we could move a ship trough the universe, approach stars, pass trough energy fields that would turn our bodies into dust… thus, moving mountains, turning water into blood and so on was really child’s play for us.
I picked a group of people I loved and presented myself as their God. Told them that they owe obedience to me and tried to teach them how to liberate their minds but my friends did not want any of it. They twisted my words around and used my help to gain power and subjugate those that they had decided were less than them. It did not matter how I punished them, they kept twisting my words and using me as an excuse to commit their destructive actions, everything seemed hopeless and so I decided to abandon those efforts.
But I’m a hard headed being. I could not leave things as they were. I still hoped I could recover my friends, so I used a prophesy in what they declared was their holy book to return. I really believed that I could teach my people and regain their company, but I was wrong. Again my words were twisted and used to feed the greed of a small minority. So, confused and unable to accept my defeat, I continued living life after life, looking for a way to achieve my purpose.
During January, 1950, or there about, in New Jersey, I left the office where I worked with some friends developing a process to liberate the mind. I did not live far, so I walked to the building where I lived. In front of my apartment building I saw a man. He did not look any different from the rest of the people that were usually in the area, he just seemed to be waiting for someone with an unlit cigarette in his hand.
I don’t remember clearly everything that happened, nor do I see many details in my mind but it went like something like this:
When I got near, he looked at me and say something like, -Got a light Bud?-
I did not suspect anything, nor did I see any problem in lighting his cigarette, so I started to do so. While I was in the process I felt a car park quickly behind me. A door opened and then, without giving me a chance to react, the man in front of me shoved me violently into the car.
There were tree men in the car. The one in the back seat that received me when I was shoved in put a handkerchief soaked in chloroform over my mouth and nose. I believe they used something else but I don’t remember. What I do remember is that they took me to what I recognized as a mental hospital of some kind.
The men in the car seemed strangely familiar and they talked to me as they dragged me to a side door to an office in the basemen where their boss waited for us. Again the man in charge looked familiar, I though I had worked with them before in the military but I could not be sure.
The interrogation started right there. They wanted to know about the activities in the office I worked in and they wanted to know other things they should have not known. At that time in our history anyone who differed in any way with what was considered the norm was deemed a Communist agent. That was the excuse for the type of action I was facing.
There was a psychiatrist with a German accent among the group and he stood behind me, encouraging me to answer the questions posted by the man in charged. – Tell us about it, you can tell us about it. – He would whisper in my ears, but I refused to answer.
From there I was dragged to a room where I was strapped to a bed so drugged I could not even speak and there the brain washing started.
The people who had me trapped in that room knew how our minds worked or they were assisted by someone I had trained. They kept me so drugged I could not regain consciousness and rotated shifts so that they could enter hypnotic commands into my mind. Between shifts they would leave me alone with a nurse who would caress me and whisper sweet things in my ears.
When the nurse left I was attended by three people. One to administer drugs and electroshock treatments and two to read phrases that they had prepared to confuse my mind. These phrases would go into my subconscious and act as hypnotic commands. Their purpose was to insure I would become a mindless human being and that my mind would remain useless in my next incarnation. All the contradictory orders would consume my intellectual capacity and make a mindless moron out of me.
You see, the mind works in a way very similar to computers and so it should be, since computers were invented by man to do the work their slowed minds could not. In the same way a computer virus can fill a hard drive, slow processing or cause incorrect calculations a memory entered into our mind in moments of pain or extreme tension can cause us to err.
After a time I could not determine yet, a man came in to see how things were going. I did not see this man but I could hear him. Apparently he was shocked by what he saw. I heard him say, - my God, you are killing him. – Then he told them they must release me and they did.
Next thing I remember I’m walking into the basement where I worked. I was in a daze so I walked like an automaton into the office. The people there had been worried and kept on asking how I was and where I had been, but I did not know. Then I heard a voice asking how I was. I recognized that voice immediately. It was the voice of the man that ordered my release.
The sound of his hypocrisy drove me mad. What little of my mind that was functioning went haywire, I lost control and attacked him. No one knew why I was doing so, so they tried to stop me but madness gave me strength. I shook everyone off and try to get to my enemy but a woman stood in my way. I recognized her as my wife and she hit me in the face with a clipboard, telling me to stop.
I knew that if I could not control myself I would kill someone innocent in that office and, so, the instant she hit me, I abandoned my body. My mind was not working right; I did not consider the consequences of what I had done. My wife was left with the idea that she had killed me and collapsed in front of what had been my body overcome with grief.
I had die once more, but this time I had very little control.
I stayed close to my beloved wife, tried to communicate with her. I believed that with what she had learned she, or someone else in the group, should be able to communicate with me but it was not so.
As the days went by I saw my enemy endear himself with my widow. She accepted his romantic efforts and there was nothing I could do. I was infuriated and depressed; it was more than I could stand so I decided to leave. I transferred into a new body looking for the love and comprehension I needed to recover but in my weakened state I chose poorly.
There is nothing interesting about this life. I was born and lived as in a fog, without an idea of what I wanted to do with it. I did not have any plans for my future nor did I dream of improving my lot. I just went where the wind took me. Until I met what was left of the group I helped develop in the 50’s.
The group was not as I had planned. Not surprising since it was controlled by the man that betrayed me. I did not realize what they were until many years after walking through their front door, but I knew that I had to be careful and that there was something wrong.
In time I began to remember. I knew I could not count on them to liberate myself, so I left them but the way has not been easy. I have not found anybody to work with and I’m getting old. I see my death coming and I await the moment. You see, death is not a mystery to me. I know my way won’t be easy but once I abandon this body I should be able to find myself once more. When I do so I will choose my new path.
The way is not easy; you see, each of us creates his own reality. What a being can do within this reality is limited by the beliefs of those who compose our civilization. Though one being might be able to change lead to gold, the others that surround it can stop it from happening. Belief or faith has a lot to do with what a being can do and today people do not believe in magic. Faith is owned by science and science is totally materialistic.
My knowledge base was contaminated in 1950, therefore my faith was weakened. Though I can remember certain things, I can’t see them clearly. Doubts surround those memories and so I do not have a solid base to act from. I just hope that death, being it a mystery to most people, might give me enough freedom to break free of this reality so I can do what I want to do.
I must find my own way because my old comrades have no desire to leave this planet. There is no way I can help them, they have their own path to walk.
I do not plan to return to this Earth. I know there are other realities out there and in one of them I will find what I need. I rather play the games of existence in a wide and wonderful universe than in this limited and hopeless planet.
So, this will not be the end for me, only a new beginning.